Arg!!! How come sick again. Luckily there is only bio test that is around the corner. But still, i still need to work harder, there are still few topics that i still mcc about it. What to do? I am a dumb person, plus i not as hardworking as others. I think the only choice that i can seek improvement is to pay more attention and do more exercises. I know i cannot surpass some people that is better than me, but at least i want myself to know, i can really become a better person, i dont wan to lose anything more to others any longer. However, whenever i reach home, i will automatically open my com, then suddenly pop out lots of instant messages.. Haiz, in the end, i just manage to study some of the topics. But i think chatting with others worth more than study. Many of my friends has gone overseas, leaving me behind, so i know the time spend together chatting is rather short, or maybe not even have a chance in the future. So i think i just reply steadily and continue my work at the same time.

 

     Almost most of the night i on, i will saw jian. I know he is kind of free, and nothing to do, and nervous about upcoming results. More importantly, he just lost something important to him. So i think maybe chatting with him will make him feel better. But he just always get interested about wt and me. ZZZ. HOw i going to reply that?, I focus my attention on studies and hw because i dont wan to think about it anymore, i wish everyone will eventually forget about it. At least give her a chance to find her own prince charming. However, i dont wan him to get any suspecious. So i think i just reply normally, and quickly switch my attention to studies. But the conversation just getting more intense, and it getting me more and more worried.. What can i do? I think i will prefer remain silence, silence is a giant killer, haha.

 

   But one day, the message suddenly get into her, and she asked me question that i really do not wish to answer. What i going to answer? I really do not wish to lie to her, and i do not wish to kept any secret from her. How come?? I used to be a secret keeper for everyone else, but why i just cant keep it for my own?  Eventually, that conversation end, and that night has become the longest night in my life.

 

    I try to get into bed early, but words keep spinnning in my head. "Please do not blame urself, u r making me feeling the same way". Everytime, i try my best, find a way to make sure a more happy way for her, but things just turn out different from wat i expected of. Blaming myself huh? Actually i just blaming myself because u did not get a good ending inT the end. The real reason behind it is, i never see u smile when i with u, and this concluded that i m only a burden. Just like when playing mafia, in order to let others to survive, a mafia must be killed by its own people, this is wat i learn when i playing with bunch of so called "pro"  (actually is my juniors). I am discouraged when i know she is a mafia to, so i think the best is show my own weakness, let others kill me 1st. Then they has a higher chance of survivor. In the end, maybe i take it too seriously, but thing just turn out wat i expected. And it teaches me, dont become a burden to someone else.

 

   " Plz dont worry about me, i m already near 18 years old." That time, it only gives me two types of intrepretion. One is " plz leave me alone", another one is " I am a very tough person, so u dont need to worry about me". That time i realize, i am a mr nobody for her, so wats the point worry about her? Actually i know, from honey and clover 2, worrying is just a reason behind a fact, it is actually my own desire, to catch a glimpse of her. And when they said that, i know the next time we meet, will be the last one.

 

    " You can find a better girl that me, i really hope so" This is the final phase i remembered, and the one that i really cannot forget. When she said that, i really wanna say" you are no.1 in my list, how could i find a better one?", " If i given the chance, will you become my no.1?". However, i stopped myself, i know i cannot become a burden any futher more. Just let these words fade aways with time, or maybe with my homework that formed a mount everest on my table.

 

   After i put my testing blog, i know that really got ppl who reading my blog, i really dont wan others to read my frustration side, so i think this one will be the last one i posted. It had already ends anywhere, i dont have reason to look behind, but i still got reason to look forward. I think starting my studies early is a great choice after all, especially inti that starts extremely early( 2nd jan), all my emotion can be locked from here, and all the daydreaming and nonsense that i imagine of. 12 of march is the last day. The only regrettion is, i will not have a chance, to say happy birthday.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY for march borned aries