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March 07 Closing? Arg!!! How come sick again. Luckily there is only bio test that is around the corner. But still, i still need to work harder, there are still few topics that i still mcc about it. What to do? I am a dumb person, plus i not as hardworking as others. I think the only choice that i can seek improvement is to pay more attention and do more exercises. I know i cannot surpass some people that is better than me, but at least i want myself to know, i can really become a better person, i dont wan to lose anything more to others any longer. However, whenever i reach home, i will automatically open my com, then suddenly pop out lots of instant messages.. Haiz, in the end, i just manage to study some of the topics. But i think chatting with others worth more than study. Many of my friends has gone overseas, leaving me behind, so i know the time spend together chatting is rather short, or maybe not even have a chance in the future. So i think i just reply steadily and continue my work at the same time.
Almost most of the night i on, i will saw jian. I know he is kind of free, and nothing to do, and nervous about upcoming results. More importantly, he just lost something important to him. So i think maybe chatting with him will make him feel better. But he just always get interested about wt and me. ZZZ. HOw i going to reply that?, I focus my attention on studies and hw because i dont wan to think about it anymore, i wish everyone will eventually forget about it. At least give her a chance to find her own prince charming. However, i dont wan him to get any suspecious. So i think i just reply normally, and quickly switch my attention to studies. But the conversation just getting more intense, and it getting me more and more worried.. What can i do? I think i will prefer remain silence, silence is a giant killer, haha.
But one day, the message suddenly get into her, and she asked me question that i really do not wish to answer. What i going to answer? I really do not wish to lie to her, and i do not wish to kept any secret from her. How come?? I used to be a secret keeper for everyone else, but why i just cant keep it for my own? Eventually, that conversation end, and that night has become the longest night in my life.
I try to get into bed early, but words keep spinnning in my head. "Please do not blame urself, u r making me feeling the same way". Everytime, i try my best, find a way to make sure a more happy way for her, but things just turn out different from wat i expected of. Blaming myself huh? Actually i just blaming myself because u did not get a good ending inT the end. The real reason behind it is, i never see u smile when i with u, and this concluded that i m only a burden. Just like when playing mafia, in order to let others to survive, a mafia must be killed by its own people, this is wat i learn when i playing with bunch of so called "pro" (actually is my juniors). I am discouraged when i know she is a mafia to, so i think the best is show my own weakness, let others kill me 1st. Then they has a higher chance of survivor. In the end, maybe i take it too seriously, but thing just turn out wat i expected. And it teaches me, dont become a burden to someone else.
" Plz dont worry about me, i m already near 18 years old." That time, it only gives me two types of intrepretion. One is " plz leave me alone", another one is " I am a very tough person, so u dont need to worry about me". That time i realize, i am a mr nobody for her, so wats the point worry about her? Actually i know, from honey and clover 2, worrying is just a reason behind a fact, it is actually my own desire, to catch a glimpse of her. And when they said that, i know the next time we meet, will be the last one.
" You can find a better girl that me, i really hope so" This is the final phase i remembered, and the one that i really cannot forget. When she said that, i really wanna say" you are no.1 in my list, how could i find a better one?", " If i given the chance, will you become my no.1?". However, i stopped myself, i know i cannot become a burden any futher more. Just let these words fade aways with time, or maybe with my homework that formed a mount everest on my table.
After i put my testing blog, i know that really got ppl who reading my blog, i really dont wan others to read my frustration side, so i think this one will be the last one i posted. It had already ends anywhere, i dont have reason to look behind, but i still got reason to look forward. I think starting my studies early is a great choice after all, especially inti that starts extremely early( 2nd jan), all my emotion can be locked from here, and all the daydreaming and nonsense that i imagine of. 12 of march is the last day. The only regrettion is, i will not have a chance, to say happy birthday.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY for march borned aries February 15 Valentine??Wuhahahaha. So good this year. No valentine for me, instead i have SAD (Single Awareness Day). O well, at least this is the postivite thinking. Actually most of my friends personally think of being single is the Abest. For me? They say i am a traitor.... They even believe that i already got a girl friend. O please, my college dont have any pretty girls, neither as taylors. When i first look into them, the first thing that come into my mind, omg, the person who actually become thier boy friend will become bankrupt in any second from now. In the end, some of my friend who actually send me message that they had successfully get a gf, and kept telling me how good how pretty thier gf was. Although in the end i did not care about how good thier gf was, but at least i have given a chance to express themselves, and given the chance to them to express themselves again when they get dumped by thier gf(hope that will not happen) in the future.
Actually what is valentines? The first day i know of valentine, the first thought that come into my mind is a day where businessman makes a handsome amount of money. Wat The Heck!!! A roses that could be found anywhere beside a street can be sold RM10!!!! A chocalate which normally i can get for free sold Rm15!!! This is insane. However, there are still people who actually bought it to thier gf. They even spend RM18 just for a piece of cookies which its diameter less than 4cm!!!!
O well, i think is not the $$ thats matter, it is the smile of thier love one that matters. At the moment, i realize that men r stupid. If u wan ur gf to be protected from obesity, buy a low fat milk instead of buying chocalate: If they wan thier girl to be happy, why dont just spend more time with her rather than a cookies delivery to their love one.
Valentine actually is a day when women show thier admire by giving chocalate to the person they admire, it is actually a day that show the signs of courage within women. HOwever, it is becoming a day where couple be together. O well, i also broke the rule as well. i bought a teddy bear which is so cute that no one will resist of not buying it. BUt sorry mr teddy bear, u will be inside the cupboard for a very long time. because the owner who u should be given to, is le.aving, soon enough January 27 Aspiring?I though only SAM is the most pressure foundation studies, but i didnt expect A level to have so many homeworks!! Besides homework, i still need to write my own note for every subject and highlight all the text book. Even so,i still havent had a chance the read my textbook.. Everyday i back home, i need to plan my schedule, felt like no time for me to relax a while,. Haiz, i think the super special awesome lazy me is becoming super ultra gigantic tired person. I came back at home around 6pm, then i felt like going to sleep for a while. So i just crumble on my bed, use my hand to cover my eye, and prepare to zzz. But in the end i did not slept. My attention switch to the picture just beside my desk. Picture of my old schoolmates..... and this told me. I got promise to fulfill. I cannnot rest now, i need to pull myself together, and continue to work.... until the time to rest is come then i can stop.
So, in the end i just stuck on my desk and keep seaching for answer for my questions. To prevent me from getting asleep, i drink plenty of water(hate coffee anywhere), and continue to work. But, got once, i reached my limitation, my hand is shaking, both of my eyes are red. I really wan to give up, give up everything, why bother to be so suffering, why dont just enjoy the life. Just when i wanted to leave my desk, a song played in my laptop.. My first thought, this is the song that was gave by an important person. After 4 mins, the song ends, i played the song again and again, until at one point, i stopped it.... and my idea of rest, sleep, give up all dissapear.
What makes a song powerful? For me, it is the content of the song, and the person who send the song, thats matter. The song has all the answer i wan, and all the reasons for what i am doing now. In the past, because i m not strong enough, because i m not wise enough, i did a lot of mistake that are extremely costly. However, because of that, i learn a lot of things, i learn from my mistake, i discover my own dream, and i know wat i need to do to be stronger. I earn a lot of things, but i still cannot fixed the mistake that i done. So, in the end i m a loser, losers have no right to stay on the court, thier only option is to leave and being forgotten.
I do not wish to think things any futher. So the best way is, use something to distract myself from thinking nonsense, study is a great tool, and a song is well enough to aspire me, push me futher. Getting hold of the song from someone, is the only thing i think i did right in the end January 09 Why she never smile?I believe life is like an equation: If you experience the deepest sadness, u will realize how important happiness means to u; If u lost everything, u will precious even the most thinniest thing in ur life. I have once been a pestimistic person, living in a isolated darkness, keep asking myself why all people are crying, must all the people are so bad tempert. So, i realize how important happiness means to me. I wan all the people surrouding me gain happiness, especially the person that i care most and love most. Even it requires sacrifices, i really dont care any longer, cause i dont want to see the depressed scenery any longer. However i realize a thing, people express their happniness by smiling. Therefore, i start putting smile in my face, even it is a fake smile in the beggining, so that everyone around me can be influnced and become happy. After that, i know smiling is just not enough, so i try to learn some jokes and try to be funny. As time pass by, i really enjoy people smiling and being happy.And thats become my dream, and lead to my ambition. But i know my dream will not last long. After i come out to the society again, i must become myself again, cruel enough to survive in the society.i I like to see ppl smile. But i more desperate to see the person i care smile rather than everyone else. However, whereaver i exist, she just cannnot smile. Although she is a optismistic person and smile a lot in school. But i just cannnot make her smile. Why??? i kept asking myself this question for a long time. So i did an experiment just now, with a girls of course, and finnaly realize it. The thing is, the topic i saying is just not funny, and i m not too serious about it. But why, why i just cannot talk normally just like chatting with other people. Normallly when i chat with them, they just kept laughing and scolding me. But why i was totally out of shape? I know because she knows somethings that she shoudnt know in the beginning that make her depressed because of my existence. So maybe when i wan to be friend with her, normal chatting will also makes her think of something that reject me, and i know, in the future i will lost her as a friend. But why i still cannot chat properly? Just because i know something she shouldnt know, and this makes me need to chat with precaution. Haiz, i think i dont need to care any longer. My existence has become a burden. I think it is better to just let go along with it. At least if i do it this way, maybe she is smiling now. haha..
December 31 Evaluation of my friend(guys)Here is the evaluation of my firends, dont know true or not but worth of try anywhere...
ATTENTION!!!! DONT PUNCH, KICK, MOCK, TOSS ME IF I OFFENSE ANY ONE OF U OK!!! Deal!!!!!!!
Chi Ping- When i first met him, i couldnt say much. Wat a guy he was. He do anything he want, dont afraid to love or hate, dont care wat other ppl think of him. When he doing things that he really enjoy much, he is a very commanding person, do not wish anyone to interupt or disturb him, and concentrade 100% on the task. However, because of his special personality, he can easily get ememies, afraid by others, imagine him as an wild beast. Frankly speaking, sometimes i really dislike him, but most of the time i really admire him, because he had the will and freedom to do anything he want, which i dont have inside me.
Jie Han- The first meeting with him give me an impression of my ownself. A guy who trying to be tough to hide his soft-hearted personality. He is a nice guy, a person who really appreciate friendships, and cao ps2 a lot. Altough he is a bit of viloence, as a result of playing to many god of war, but wat he really seek of is someone who really care about him, give him a bit of an advice when he is down or confuse, or just listening to all his complaint at sometimes. He can be a great friend, husband or father in the future, he wiling to do everything, to protect his love one, shielding the person he care from danger or sadness.
Ken Yaw- This is the most normal guy in the world. He like to do thing without restriction., and a funnier guy than me, i laugh from almost all the joke he made. He actually can be a very successful person, but he lacking of passion in his work. This is because he does not have a ambition himselves. O and when he has nothing to do, he sleep all the time, especially during holidays, lazier than me =.=. If he know how use his time when he is yelling because of boredom, maybe he now become better than me.
Yik men- Wa this person, i dont know he really that happy or just faking. He never show a sad face in front of us. Even when he is under intense pressure, he still do things with joy and never complain to us. So wat to do? I really dont belive, so we play him everytime, he get angry sometimes, but it is really funny. But why i keep having a feeling that he trying to hide something from us, and hide it so perfectly, but without a doubt, i know he is really a great person, he never wan people surrounding him get sad.
Alfie- By the look of his face, i concluded that, he is a very honest,humble and of course! A nerd. But if u know him more deeply, u will realize, wat a animal he is!!! But we dont get surprise , this is wat a guy in secondary should behave( only me is an alien). Together with nick, they r the mid valley boys(just nickname). But without a doubt, he is really a kind and responsible person. And has a fanclub among girl students and teachers.
Wai Yip- Although he is short, very very short, but he call himself lebron james. He always say how good he play basketball, but i know his standard is almost the same with me, or maybe worse than me. I always talk how bad his basketball is to improve his game, but in the end.....bang!!! Worse than before. He is the most stupid person among my friend. He likes a girl since he is form 2 and until now he still like her, but always run away from the person he likes. Hope he can become braver in the future.=.=
Typing while yawning.=.= 12am!! Happy NEw Year!!!!
December 09 I am sorry, but it is already too late Trip, it is not the game thats matter, it is the time spend together. The trip cost over rm350, and i have to take out my happiness saving to pay for it. Woo, guess i have to work hard to claim it back in the future. I told everyone, i went to the trip to enjoy the precious moment which been together with my friend, i lied, the main reason, i know it myself, but i just could not admit it. I just dont want to be apart with her, see her smile, hope she can be together with the person she like for the last 4 days.
The first day turn out just fine, enjoy being crazy playing with friends, yelling to each others. But, on the second day, something unexpected happen, suddenly many people come to ask me question, ask me it is true or not. I dont know what i going to answer, i do not wish to lie to them for the last time, but if i say yes then she will got 0 chance to get along with the person she like. So i kept silence, avoid being aske again. Since then, every minute have become a torture. i wanted to run away right away, but where i can go? I know i need to stay here for at least an hour. After an hour, i left, luckily the room is open.
Whole night, i cant sleep, i went out to the lobby. Ar great, all dark, just perfect for me. at least this is the place i can see the sky. Sitting on sofa, i think a lot of things. Why things have to turn out like this? This is all my fault, if at the beggining i didnt do so many stupid things, they wouldnt have realize it. I wanted to say soryy, but i know sorry i just not enough. It is something that cannot be turned around any longer, it is already too late. Looking at the sky, suddenly reminds me quote from honey and clover-" I finnally realize what the words means, a person who cannot even buy a tiny flower cannot possible save the person he love, I said i wanted to protect her, but the truth is just dont want be apart with her, i finding reasons to subsitube the real problem"
Luckily that night i bought my phone with me. I listen to few of the songs, that help me to supress all my depression in my life, and prevent me from thinking anymore. I know wat i going to do, if becoming a friend will hurt her, i rather choose to dissapear. At least, she will be happier, in the future. I dont care what my friends told me, and i dont care what i going to lose. This is what i cause, and this is how it ends. I cannot afford to sacrifice others happiness any longer. Just like in honey and clover, my hands now is full of blood, blood of the person i once love before.
And..thanks guys, u all helped me to cover up all my emotions. I kept my promise, it is really an unforgettable trip. >.< November 10 Answer found!!!Looking back, i really waste a lot of time in form 5. because of uncertaincy and confusion. But now i finnaly found my answer, it is really simple yet pathetic. Honestly, i regret what i have done during those day, running here and there, sit on the floor thinking about something nonsense. And now i got a big exam to cope with, hope it is not too late for me to rebuild my momentum. During those time, it really changes me a lot, during the day after, i am isolated and do my best to find a person who can really understand me. THis is when my friend pop-out, they told me different story that i really enjoyed much. THis stories makes me wonder, i actually just like them, the plot of the life is almost the same, same uncertaincy and confusion, but they still keep being themselves, crazy what they crazy of, holding what they believe in. Because of that, i become their best friends, because we share the common bond- single forever!!! Everyday i listen to thier stories, some also told me about how good the person they admired of. However, i never told them mine. O well, sometimes la, but not really let them know too much, because underages should not know so much about it. Sry guys, psps, actually i say i want to see pretty girls and go kao lui are nonsense. Just to told u all single not good d, need to find a partner in the future, dont just become like me, only cause disaster to others. HAHA
I regret once during primary school, but not in secondary, i promise myself, and now i have done it(actually i regret of breaking cheng chun camera!!! SRy!!! remember to give me the bill i need to pay for it). I really hope that my friend will not be regret in thier secondary school life. Tell what u all want to say, do u all want to do. SOmetimes the result will not be exactly what we hope for, but life is all about steep steps, cry out loudly to release ur sadness, laugh out crazyly to release ur happiness.(actually i laugh when cry, when happy also laugh^^), make it no regret in future!!
After this, i will become myself again. For all the people i know, actually i not a humerous person nor a obedient person. I just afraid to lose u just all. Hope next time we meet, i can become the person u all know in form 5. ANd all the best for ur spm, i will be praying behalf or u all!!! October 23 Graduate??AAHHHH, after 8 days i have to be apart with my friends and my junior. This is SOOO unfair!!! I really wish that i have more time to spare with my friend, chatting from heart to heart, and be crazy and screaming to each other. This is where the fun part begin. Actualy, most of my friend had a hard time in school, and i knew that some of them are like me, talking and screaming to release emotion, so that others thinks that we are actually a very optimistic person. In every year i will hear my friend talking and complaining about someone, espeacially about girls. But actually they are caring about the person they complaining, this is when we all become best friends, because we share the common spot.... To be honest, i have not have such girly problem since i 1st reach the school, affection is somehow, a desire which eventually haunt us in the future. But how come, suddenly i felt into the same spot with my friend. Haiz, i think this the fun part of secondary life haha. IN form 5, got 3 friend ask me about relation problem on the same time, haha i think i one of time, so i counted 4. Everything they will tell me exciting story, but rather sad in the end. It is really fun though, and i really enjoy hearing it. BUt listening to them like talking to myself, i was able to boost thier confidence and help them go though thier secondary life, but why i cannot comfort myself? Why i keep asking myself the same question over and over again? Why i listening to the same song, watching the same anime over and over again? I think is the sacrifice that i had to made, to help me friend.
2007 almost over, it is really a quick year. Quicker that any other years that i went through. Everything i went the school, with much hope and desire, hoping i can do something that i will regret in my life. But, now there are only 8 days to do, and i have done an unforgiven deed in the past few days. I really hope i can turn things around, but i really scare that i will mess it up in the end. What i going to do? if i did not do it, i will regret for live, but if i do it maybe it will just get worse and harm the person that i really really really do not wish to hurt. I went to school everyday, with a glimpse of hope. But now, i think i just covered up the one and only light, that protect the weak and lonely spirit.
October 08 King of liesMy friend told me that i am too honest. But they are wrong, i actually not as naif as i look. I actually telling lies more than 50 times a day. What is the point telling lies? To protect urself? to protect your face? to proctect your friends? or just having fun telling lies? There is no need a reason for that, after a person lies, he/she forget it immediately. I mean it! IMMEDIATELY!! Even the king of memory cannot tell which lies he just said. Now here is the point, what makes a king of telling lies? IT is a person who can cover up his/her lies without others noticing? Or just simple turned your brain upside down, and make up a fairy talel to escape from judgement? Everyone has his/her opinion. However, in my opinion, i believe that person who escape by telling lies will soon fallen to his own trap. Therefore, it is not consider a king of lies. A king of telling lies should world-class, even him or herself cannot tell what he/her said is true or false, and even the person who listen to him/her cannot differentiate whats correct whats wrong, then it is really, a world-class lyer.
I admit that i tell lies more than 50 times a week, or more thatn 100 times, but actually the target is not my family nor my friend. IT is rather foolish to say that, it is me myself. I keep giving myself reasons, lying to myself when i done something wrong, or lost something that i very precious to me. To cover it entirely, i must use a rather stronger force, that is, when i started to telling lie to myself. After that, i gained satisfaction from it, because at that time, i know that i havent lose it all, at least for that moment. However, to uncover the truth, i will take about a month or 2. At that time, i will suddenly realize that the world is cruel, facts are too cruel to face it, and it is hard to forget, because it has buried deep inside my heart for a long time.....and so the suffering continues.
Man, this is really a lame teknik to handle problems in live, but how come i cannot find a better solution to overcome it? Or because it is too GOOD for me, i just cannot change the teknik?
September 20 Game....starts Thanks a lot guys, although it is at the middle of exam, but today was really a wonderful day for me. The spirit of the birthday songs, the sincerely of u all, it is truely something to be remmember in the future. However, there are somethings that i less expected... In the end, it did not end up what i wan i think.
It is a dream.....Floating high upon on the sky...that can be touched my normal human beings, but not me. I still believe, i somehow will conquer the dream one day. So i have take on a game, a life or death game, that will granted me a pair of wings, help me reached upon the sky. However, the day i finnally came when i discover the truth behind the game. Although i can win almost all the game in my life, but this is the game, the first and only game, that i lost.....completely....even at the beginnning of game. I....cannot believe it? I think i know the answer, i actually knew that i cannot win this game before i played it. This game is rather...frictional.....unrealistic......useless and the reason i behind all this....is for the sake of other people. Now, the truth is beyond my imagination, maybe this is the lesson, not letting dream master you.
This is the game that i had been waiting for. Although now i am aimless, but at least....at least i must complete this game.....without getting any wishes or dreams. Hey guys, sorry for my subborness, i guess i will be paying the price for accepting this game in the beginning, Let the new game... starts. August 22 Reason to go ahead?When i was in primary school, i am a well known person. Arg there is nothing special about me, it is just same as others students, lazyyy. Hence, i refused to hand in any homework that teacher "command" us to, because the homeworks just too much. After half a year, because i was too lazy, i was told to meet the principle. At the first sight, i thought the princilple will be a very fierce person, but it turn out just different. The principle is such a nice woman that makes no change to my attitude.But, one day, i saw my mother crying, after knowing from my teacher that i am a student that cannot be rescued anymore. I am very depressed. Hence, i started to hand in homeworks and..... i become afraid of crying women...espeacially girls.
After a year, i meet a girl, a very nice and beautiul girl, who is very quiet but friendly. Because of some reasons, i started to make friend with her. She is very kind, she teach me how to make friends, teach me homeworks, and even play some games with me. However, she is a student in our top class in our school. So, i decided to study hard so that i can reached her level. Eventually help her in her study in the future. However, after i reached that level, she already gone to other grade....and gone to other school.
So, i become myself again. Whole day doing nothing, daydreaming, playing computer....because i lost the reason to look in front. However, a teacher of mine knew that i still can do better in the future. She keep advicing me and push me so that i can reached even higher. Actually it is kind fo troublesome, and i dont care about it. BUt somehow, the teacher said something that she shouldnt said, make me frustrated but completely changed myself. So, i began to work hard again.
But after a few years in secondary school, i become a bit of lazy again.... So i came out with an idea. I simply find a student in the class, and swear that i will definetely do better than him/her. But the idea turn out dusk, because i dont know their level. So, i just simple choose a person with an intelligent look and little silly look of course. Ei, i finnaly found one. So i began my hardwork again...
The condlusion of the story:
1. It must be a woman a girl to push me futher swt >.<
2. A person can make the difference if he got something that he do not wish to sacrifrice
3. One can work hard if he got crushed by someone else.
So for guys if you wish to give happiness to your love one, work hard and succeed. August 21 Forbidden numberI like my phone. Not because it is the type of phone i wanted ( i would rather choose k850 actually). It is because my phone has the ability to access into internet. Ok, this sounds normal to all the phone, but it is somehow rather special for me. When i use my phone to access internets, i usually log into 2 websites. The websites are.....opps sorry, it is a secret( a secret makes a man man). But i can guratee, it is not porn or anything else, because it does not suit my style anywhere. Somemore, i am still underage, so this kind of things is kind of...censored!!! haha. Day by day, by keeping a eye on my prepaid balance, i keep log into internet using my phone......and giving me a kind of feeling that....i am a stalker. Everytime when i holding my phone, i asked myself, what am i actually searching for?? Almost everytime, from i holding my phone until i release it, i still cannot find an answer for myself. Even now, i still doing so.
Besides, now i got a habit of bringing my mobile phone along wherever i go. When i am free or something like this, i start pressing the buttons on my phone. I go to the number list, photos, videos, games......doing nothing!!...but it give me satisfaction after looking at it. Ok, i admit maybe i thinking about someone, someone that is very hard to be forgotten, someone that gave me much inspire in my life..althought the person does nothing in my life.....
Thus, there goes the habit of mine, keep holding my phone doing nothing. Moreover, i keep staring of some of the number i wish to sent..but dont have the courage to do so... Actually, deep inside my heart, i got many questions that i wanted to ask the owner of that number...but....but i think i better dont bother the person so much. Moreover, i do not wish to give any pressure or bad memories in the person. However, because of the strong wiling of mine, which is i hate most about me, i manage to sent something unrelated question to the person.Fortunately, the person replied all the time......At least, when i look into the messages, i got a sight of relieve, and inspire me, to do better, to do even greater, so that....i can..... August 19 Life=Equation?Since i first learn algebraic and equations, i started realize that a person life was just like playing an equation. Somemore, when i am doing equations, it gives me a feeling that i have become a god, manipulating a person life in an equation. But that just nonsense, how a person life can be determined by an equation? Let give you an example, if one study hard during his early days, he will get a good job in the future. Meaning? If one be had a hard time studying in the past, he/she will enjoy his/her life in the future by realizing their dreams, ambition. In Feng Shui, a person luck normally rises during the mid-aged and young ages. However, this will lead to misfortune in the future. Ok, final example. If a person love a person so much, it will end up hatred in the future. Hey, suddenly i felt like i watching Full Metal Alchemist, with the prinsip of Equalvalent Trade..
But sometimes, equation may be lost count. It is based on a person effort and aggresiveness towards something that the person are so eager about. This is what i believe, fortune can be change by one's effort. Even the most stupid person will win the borned-genius. However, i very lazy to do so, because i dont have any target to achive. To be honest, my dream and ambition is to become a great husband and father. Well respected and love by my family members and just simply have a happy family. Guess to do so, i at least need to have a qualification to get a job. Haha^^
August 15 DistanceSince when i fall in love with a student in my school?? The feeling just came into my mind and keep affecting me all the time. How troublesome i just cannot stop thinking about her. O well, i guess i just have to get use to it. Naturally, she is just a normal student in my class. Doing what a student should do: reading, helping others, be hardworking and so on. I never thought of taking any advantage or "bad movement" on her. However, after some times, i suddenly felt that she is beautiful, loving, caring, kind and and so much more. Hey, i just cannot be like that. I just a student that wish to have a simple and happy life. AND my grandmother told me that NO love during secondary school. But, the heart of mine is quite annoying, even i play basketball also want to see her. Omg, i think i in bad trouble this time.
Dont know why, i suddenly become hardworking during my form 3 and firm term of form 5. Maybe influnce by her? I dont know. Just that i got some sort of feeling that i wanna beat her in the exam. So that i feel, i am fit for her. After days......There goes the exam and the results was given to us at the end of 3rd month. What i except? Competitive? Na, it end up dissapointed. I think she did not do her best in the exam as well. O well, i just have to be more hardworking and beat her at the next exam. I promise myself.
However, things change when i accepting the truth behind it. I realize that i not a huge figure that someone who would like to accept it. Somehow, i also know the truth of she is very sad at certain time of period. I felt powerless. I could not help the person i love. Instead, i just ran away from it. Guess i did it because of my pass experience....unable to bring happiness to others, then why i get into people's life in the first place?? So, i make a decision, the person i love is the only person i cannot have. At least, like this can seal myself taking away other's happiness in thier life.
Then, i started distance myself from everything....including her, so that she can find her own smile in life. Even in the mid-term exam, when i doing a papers, i had a feeling that i dont want to score more than her anymore. As an example, even i know that some subject required long answers, i still write it shortly so that i will not score much. After the exams, i dont want to know how much actually i had scored. Instead, i just want to see the happy face of her of doing well in the exam.
Then, there goes the distance of mine..... August 10 WaitingWhat am i actually waiting for?? Standing in front of the computer, listening to songs, doing nothing, just staring at the msn messenger. Hope i not stalking....Haiz, if my soul and mind did not follow what i said, then i just continue what i was doing..Staring.....Glaring....Sleeping.....zzzzzz
When i woke up, i shouted omg!!! There goes my fun time. Time to invite my book to sleep together. Haizzz, but my heart won't just give up. I keep myself in a radius of the computer. Waiting what i waiting for.....and this continue.... until 9pm. Man.. talk about patience, guess i have to go sleep now. Wake up again at 2am....zzzzz.Only at that time, i can concentrade...with my television of course:p
Actually, i know what i waiting for, i just...lie to myself. Not again,i fed up with all this nonsense. everytime i lie to myself, i need to find a reson so that my lie is 100% acceptable. If this keeps up, i will end up...wait i will i end up...whatever..haha.....
Lost?" A person is lost when he/she lost his/her own ambition and purpose of life."(translated from chinese). This is the most interesting part that i have adapted from one of my all time favourite fact-novel. In fact, it quite suits me ^^.
Just like the anime i watch -Honey and Clover. The character( don't know is main character or what) in fact went for a soul journey to find himself, and answers to his questions. The journey was clearly descripted in the anime. As a result, it make me excited!!! I wish to go for a journey of soul myself. However, living in a country means you cannot cycle in the road. Cause if you actually do that, you will be sent to the police station and become so call "crazy"....
Everyone got it's own ways to express his/her discomfortable and bad fortune in his/her life. Confused? Let me give you an example. There was once a stupid guy who copied Morita Shinobu(Honey and Clover) action of laying down on the grass and waching towards the sky. Hey, wait a minute, thats me. LOL. However, now i have change my style, because lying down like this for forever, makes me gain 2kg per day!!! O well, i might just go for a walk around the garden aimlessly. Not only garden, when i stay at school doing nothing, i prefer walk alone around the school, even outside the school. Because i believe, by doing so, my heart will not ache so painly......and found my answers one day...
However, i had been doing so for 5 month but still have not found my answers. This make me thinks that actually what was told in anime Shaman King(comic version) is becoming a fact-" The world is so big that it is hard to find the answers that you searching for. So, why don't just follow what you heart wish in the rest of your life?"(translated from chinese, even i was confused
 ).Despair, unrespond love, unfounded answer. That just a part of mine(as well as yours^^) amazing youth life.
August 09 Chasing the sun" If you keep quiet until the class end, the dust will cover you up."
This was the first joke i had heard about. I admit. It is kind of cold, really, but this is not important for me now. Now what i really concern was the person talking to me actually was a girl. This is the first time ever a girl talk to me, not mention about my mom of course. By judging on her appearance, she was kind of cute, but it took me 5 minutes to respond her, " hello?"
"Hmm. I think you got some problem with your communication skill... Why dont you join us to a communication workshop?" She said while handing over a form to me. I am confused.. While shaking my head dizzly, i read the content of the the form.....and i told myself...no wonder. Her father organize this workshop, she try to recruit someone to support her father's business. However i did not reject her, instead i gave her and adjellent smile and promise her i will surely attend it, to repay, the first person that talk to me....
I am a quiet guy in my class. Just like every class in primary school. There will always be a pupil that will not be known by others. "Admired" by my lazy and dirty appearance, no one actually wanted to be friend with me, or even talk to me. Hence, i am categorized as the "rejected" pupil in the community. Then, come the girl, that was the first friend that wiling to be friend with me. At that time, i am shocked and somehow a happy feeling that had never been before.
After that time, she started to get close to me. She introduced most of her friends to me... and taught me how to make friends. As a result, my friends community was growing larger and larger. I remembered, she told me, she wish to had a boyfriend as shiny as the sun. Makes me wanted to tell her, she was as shiny as sun now, bringing hopes to others.
However, good days will never last long. The day came when she told me that she going to overseas with her father. Deep inside my heart, i wish to keep her, but i did not do it, because i know, she got her own freedom. Cannot said that i do not like her, instead the reality was i don't have the guts to like her. She is an angel to me, Shinning upon on the sky, helping people when they needed most. I am a little worm, that somehow makes it's ways out of the ground because directed by the light. However, after strechting it's way out of the ground, it still cannot touch or get near to the angel. Because...because...there always a distance, that saperate both, that cannot be cut short just by working hard....
The last day i meet her, i gave her a silver neklace, that was orinally made to be twins. I told her, to forget my name, but just remmeber a boy that you help before...that will always..always.. remember you..till....till......
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